Getting there...

It’s been almost 2,5 months since I left Holland. I still remember saying goodbye to my dear ones, packing and enjoying everything there until the last moment my feet were in Dutch ground. The memories of my life there are still so fresh in my mind… Sometimes I close my eyes and I can see the city (Rotterdam) all lighted up, the buildings and the cars passing by… I can imagine myself driving over the Erasmusbrug at night and I could see the buildings on both sides of the water… So beautiful…  

I remember going out with friends at night, we would not know exactly where we would go, but for sure we would have some fun together. Sometimes, just having some deep conversations with total strangers... I remember having these conversations with a few people whom I honestly will never forget and I have absolutely no idea who they were and what their names were. But at that moment, it felt like that moment was ours.

Sometimes I remember even the smell of the streets, the supermarkets and the fresh bread on the bakeries. Going early to the bakery on a Saturday morning to get some croissants and seeing people early on the streets, mainly older people and married couples with kids, all doing their weekly groceries. Walking outside on a Sunday, seeing ducks and typical birds… The smell of softener on clean clothes outside of some apartments... Wow… I could go on here for quite a while, because my memories are still so alive!

What is wrong with us, people? Here I am back to my home country and I am still thinking about the place I just decided to leave behind… What is wrong with me?  When we have something next to us we don’t value it as much… Or we simply forget to see the good things on it and just focus on the bad things… What is this? Am I being ungrateful? I just hate that Holland is so far away… I just hate it… I don’t like to use this word much, but there are a few things in the world that deserve it and well, here is one example.  Well, oke… Now things have changed and there is a new reality.

It has been really busy since I arrived. I have been visiting family and friends and enjoying everything I missed for the last period I spent away. Of course it is very different to live here than all the last times I came to visit. In all those vacations, I could only experience it as vacation and all I was doing was having fun, visiting people, eating a lot of food I missed and it has always being great because I would not have a routine, I was on vacation, obviously. So after the vacation days were over, I would come back to Holland with a suitcase full of energy and strength to get back on the routine back home.

Now the reality is something else. I still spend some time relaxing; I still enjoy food and the company of friends and family. However, in my mind, I know things will change again. I knew from the moment I decided to pack my bags that I was going to be back and I needed to accept whatever reality that would come my way, because that’s what we do when we make choices. We take risks and we jump into a new plan, we choose to take a new path.

It does sound quite scary to say that. I consider myself a bit conservative and I don’t like changes that much. But I see a positive side of myself in all this. Some people may not understand, others would even ask me why I waited so long to do it. I think now I know why. Deep inside of me I knew for some time already that there was something that made me do it. That was the top of the iceberg… Well, who am I to say what I know is absolutely right? How will I know where I will be in 10 years, heck, how will I know where I will be tomorrow?! Of course we don’t have control over certain things, and sometimes we don’t know exactly what makes us truly happy. We don’t know everything. We think we know, but we don’t. So we take a step and we do things sometimes hoping they will be the best for us. We can try with all our hearts to do something, but if that is not in our power and it does not depend on us do it, well, than this is the sign that we need to make a change, as it does not depend on your effort.

As I have my faith, I feel much relieved to trust in someone who has much more knowledge about me as a person than I do myself. Apologies if you don’t share the same view, but this is the only single constant in my life who will never change, and that is He; Everlasting, all knowing, mysterious, high, really high and yet so deep, able to touch us with the gentleness of a butterfly while being powerful to break any stone, yes, Him.

Aside from my faith, I do realize that moving back is a big step. Rationally speaking, this was a life change. Although I am used to living in NL, my second beloved county for almost 8 years, I believe I can get used here again as well. It just takes time. Time can heal; time can smooth things a bit. I need to accept that things won’t be the same and or, they won’t be similar to the ones I had before. Sometimes, in our lives, big changes take time to make us feel right again; to feel like home; to feel we can trust. We just need to continue to look ahead and slowly but surely make sure we are getting there… But, where exactly? I am not sure yet… Well, recently I found stroopwaffels in Pão de Açúcar, a Brazilian supermarket… haha!!!!! Ok… ok… I confess: some things I would never be able to give up on or leave behind… never!